Im just avoiding my tumblr for the rest of my day. Im just having one of those days now where the sound of getting so intoxicated you barely remember anything doesnt sound to horrible. And maybe a mixture of banging my head against a wall. That sounds pleasnt to Except im never even drinking before in my life and nor could i at the moment…so..ill have to figure something out. Maybe ill just drown my sorrors into making music…
God dammit why am i thinking of her so much. Did a few pictures really set me off that bad. I was doing well. Yes i was slightly down but i was doing so well. Why is it that i cant fall asleep because of you now. Why is my mind playing every single trick in the fucking book to destroy me. I try to go to sleep and i start to have a panic attack. Why? Because i think about how fucking nice everything was. All the promises we had all the jokes we made all the silly gushy moments that i ugh. We were so fucking perfect. You complemented me. I complemented you. You were my bestfriend as well as a dream come true. For every weakness you had i would push you through and for every time i wanted to fucking fall apart you were the crutch that helped keep me together.
Why do i keep playing these scenarios over and over again. Why do i keep thinking of things i would say to you even though your never fucking coming back. There so black and white. On one hand i want to just tell you how fucking bad you broke me. That i NEVER want to do what you did to me to anyone else. That so many times i needed you but you werent there. That im a fucking mess now. That i went through hell and i still am going through hell. How we were bloody perfect we could take on the world but you just tossed me away without hesitation. But then on the other hand i think..and i say..i just want to start again…i miss you.
I want to go back to actually being something that mattered to you and hoping to god that you would miss me as well or feel some what the same that i do. I hate that i want to check on you. I hate that i still care. I hate that i allow myself to even get this fucking…vexed because of you. Why? because i know you dont care. You were and are fine without me. You took pills and were “fine” I took pills and all i did was die on the inside. You hid me. Hid everything you knew of me. Anything dealing with me. I could have died the next day and you would have never known. By the grace of god you unblocked me from something and i only knew because your friend told me. You were never going to tell me. I was never supposed to know. I was never going to know.
So many times ive heard the excuse “Im afraid ill do this, Ill hurt you more if i do this,shes just afraid of this.” I hate that excuse with a passion. I fucking do. Because its just that. An excuse an idiotic excuse. Do you really think it would have hurt me if you stayed? If you actually fought for me? Actually if you showed a shred of compassion? Instead of just tossing your hands in the air and saying fuck it. Because this hurt me worst then anything. and Ironically its STILL hurting me.
When a heartbreaks it never breaks even. It feels like im the fucker who was the only one who’s heart was even broken. It just all keeps replaying and i dont know how to make it stop. The final night. The night after. The times before. And the times after. what makes it so much worse is that the good out weighed the bad. We had so much going well for us that one little things never mattered to me. It didnt. I hate the way i am, i do. I wish i was heartless. I wish i didnt give a fuck if you lived or died. I wish i didnt care how you were. i wish i didnt care if you missed me. I wish i didnt feel like i lost something. I wish i didnt feel like i lost my bestfriend. i wish i could easily forget.I wish i didnt feel like i lost something important to me. I wish i wasnt the one feeling this way. I wish i was the one who could have took medication at the time and make things easier. I wish i was the one who could have erased you from everything like you never mattered. But i cant. And i dont.
In the end all i ever find myself wishing is that things were different. That in this moment you were here, that i wouldnt be feeling this way, that i would be laughing with you,planning our future,having you in my arms.hearing your voice, that you would comeback,that we could pick up like we never lost a beat, that we would actually uphold our promise together and stick it out with one another,just be happy again together,and telling you that i love you..instead of being on the verge of a breakdown and tearing because of a god dam picture of one of the times when i still had you in my life…